Day 70 -- 28 February 2009

I did a bit of clothes shopping today and I have to say that I am a bit ticked off. I understand that I am 32 and that my body is no where near as fit as it was when I was 18, but I don't believe I should be in an XL!! What is with all the sizing these days? I have heard the term vanity sizing used in the past decade or so but I don't think that term even comes close to describing what I experienced today. I have never had to wear an XL and today that is exactly what size I had to buy when I chose a few new t-shirts. I swear the XS should have been in the toddler section!! Society needs to get a grip. Not everyone should be a triple zero for crying out loud. The thing that really worries me is that we are sending the wrong message to teenage girls. Yes it is good to be fit and healthy, but not anorexic. I was a size 3 when I was 18 and frankly I looked gross!! It scares me to think what girls are doing to themselves just so they can fit into those double zero jeans or that XS t-shirt. We need to stop catering to the archaic ideals out there that a woman is supposed to be a 36 - 24- 36. Sizing needs to be more realistic. I would be willing to bet if I compared my new XL t-shirts to a small or medium from just 5 years ago that they would be almost identicle in size. I think it is time that we as a society make some changes and start excepting that it is actually healthy for a woman to have some meat on her bones!! We need to stop catering to the ultra skinny and start embracing "real" women!!

Ok, now that I have gone off on my tirade, I am proud to report that I actually got on the treadmill again tonight. That's twice in 1 week. WOO HOO!! Anyway, I spent an hour on the treadmill and burnt 187 calories. Tomorrow I start phase 1 of the South Beach Diet. I intend to stick to it no matter how hard it is to give up some of my favorite foods for 2 weeks and to continue working out on a daily basis. I am bound and determined that by the time I turn 33 I will be partially polished :O)

Day 65 -- 23 February 2009

I actually got on the treadmill tonight!! I walked for an hour at 2 mph and burnt 192 calories. I am a bit sore since I haven't exercised in so long but that is to be expected. I decided to start out slow and not worry about target heart rate right now. I am going to contiue at this pace for the remainder of the week and then bump it up to 2.1 mph next week. I plan to do so each week for about a month or so and then shoot for my target heart rate and really get serious. I also plan to start doing situps, pushups, squats and pullups next week. I have to take it really slow on the situps though because my tummy is really sore due to the fact that the mucles are so weak right now. Hopefully they will get stretched and strengthened a bit in the coming days now that I am allowed to pick up and carry my little man again :O)

I have also decided to start the South Beach Diet. Shane and I have been talking about changing our eating habits for quite some time now and I think the South Beach Diet is just the thing we need to get us back on track. We plan to start on Sunday so I will start logging my meals again starting then. I am bound and determined that by the time I turn 33 in about 4 months I will be well on my way to being healthy and happier :O)

Day 61 -- 19 February 2009

Tomorrow I can officially start working out again . Woo Hoo!! I am so ready to shed this extra weight and begin my transformation, however, it occured to me the other night that in addition to polishing the outside, I also need to do quite a bit of polishing on the inside.

I started counseling a few months ago to try to work through my grief concerning the loss of my daughter Madelynn. I can honestly say I have not gotten any closer to accepting her death than I was before I started counseling. No matter how many times my husband, or anyone else for that matter, tells me that I am not to blame for Madelynn and Mason's premature birth, I still feel responsible. I still have days where I have a hard time functioning because I am overcome with grief. I grieve not only for Maddie but also for her twin brother Mason because he will never have the chance to truly know his sister. I would not trade Mason for the world but watching him grow is bittersweet. My husband and I often wonder if Maddie's smile would be similar to Mason's or if she would have the same laugh. I guess we will never know.

I also struggle with the loss of a "normal" pregnancy. Most women take it for granted that they are able to conceive naturally and carry a baby to term. For me that is not the case. I wasn't even aware that I was grieving the loss of my pregnancy until I began counseling. A big part of my wanting to lose weight and get in shape though is so that my body will be better equipped for pregnany. I need to find a way to deal with my grief so that my husband and I can look to the future and have another child. I don't want to constantly be afraid of trying for another baby and I certainly don't want to cause any complications in a subsequent pregnancy due to grief or stress.

I have a few more personal issues to deal with as well and I know that even if I reach my weight loss goals, I will never truly be the "diamond" that I would like to be unless I do so. I truly believe that in addition to continuing counseling, the key to polishing the inside lies with God. Over the years I have had a pretty rocky relationship with God. I am ashamed to admit that at times I have turned my back on him. About a year before we got pregnant with the twins though my husband and I were fortunate enough to find a wonderful church family. I was able to renew my relationship with God and it truly changed my life. Since moving to Nebraska we have struggled with finding a new church family and therefore my relationship with God has once again been put on the back burner. Starting this weekend I am going to stop making excuses not to go to church and begin renewing my relationship with God again.

I guess this week is going to be the turning point in my life! I am looking forward shining not only on the outside but on the inside as well :O)