Day 61 -- 19 February 2009

Tomorrow I can officially start working out again . Woo Hoo!! I am so ready to shed this extra weight and begin my transformation, however, it occured to me the other night that in addition to polishing the outside, I also need to do quite a bit of polishing on the inside.

I started counseling a few months ago to try to work through my grief concerning the loss of my daughter Madelynn. I can honestly say I have not gotten any closer to accepting her death than I was before I started counseling. No matter how many times my husband, or anyone else for that matter, tells me that I am not to blame for Madelynn and Mason's premature birth, I still feel responsible. I still have days where I have a hard time functioning because I am overcome with grief. I grieve not only for Maddie but also for her twin brother Mason because he will never have the chance to truly know his sister. I would not trade Mason for the world but watching him grow is bittersweet. My husband and I often wonder if Maddie's smile would be similar to Mason's or if she would have the same laugh. I guess we will never know.

I also struggle with the loss of a "normal" pregnancy. Most women take it for granted that they are able to conceive naturally and carry a baby to term. For me that is not the case. I wasn't even aware that I was grieving the loss of my pregnancy until I began counseling. A big part of my wanting to lose weight and get in shape though is so that my body will be better equipped for pregnany. I need to find a way to deal with my grief so that my husband and I can look to the future and have another child. I don't want to constantly be afraid of trying for another baby and I certainly don't want to cause any complications in a subsequent pregnancy due to grief or stress.

I have a few more personal issues to deal with as well and I know that even if I reach my weight loss goals, I will never truly be the "diamond" that I would like to be unless I do so. I truly believe that in addition to continuing counseling, the key to polishing the inside lies with God. Over the years I have had a pretty rocky relationship with God. I am ashamed to admit that at times I have turned my back on him. About a year before we got pregnant with the twins though my husband and I were fortunate enough to find a wonderful church family. I was able to renew my relationship with God and it truly changed my life. Since moving to Nebraska we have struggled with finding a new church family and therefore my relationship with God has once again been put on the back burner. Starting this weekend I am going to stop making excuses not to go to church and begin renewing my relationship with God again.

I guess this week is going to be the turning point in my life! I am looking forward shining not only on the outside but on the inside as well :O)